Phantom Sway

Angry Elves Are Disrupting Icelandic Highway Projects

This is exactly why America doesn’t negotiate with terrorists.


The Icelandic elves are angry. You wouldn’t like them when they’re angry.

When you hear “elf” and “construction mishap” you might think someone is talking about the eco-terrorist group ELF (Earth Liberation Front), but in Iceland construction gets disrupted by actual, honest to goodness elves. The elves are angry and very protective of rocks for some reason. Highway workers recently became the target of Elf Qaeda’s rage.

Iceland unearths rock to appease angry elves

ICELAND has been forced to bow to pressure from elves and uncover a supposedly enchanted elfin rock after highway workers accidentally buried it — infuriating the mythical creatures, reports said Tuesday.

The angry elves were suspected of causing a series of mishaps after the rock was covered over when workers cleared away the debris from a landslide, the Morgunbladid daily reported.

Iceland is no stranger to bending to the will of its elfin population. 

In America we just tell our elfin population to get back in the tree and make with the cookies…and don’t try to slip us any of those “Snackwells” atrocities either.

(Aside: You have to admit that The Morgunbladid Daily is probably the coolest name for a newspaper ever.)

The decision was made that the Iceland Road Administration would unearth the rock — an artefact according to a 2012 law to protect Iceland’s elfin heritage — and it was subsequently cleaned with a pressure washer last week.

Elves are described by the hundreds of people who claim to have seen them as simple, normally peaceful creatures that look like humans — but smaller.


They look like humans, but smaller, like former Labor Secretary Robert Reich.

They’re “normally peaceful” until you accidentally pile dirt on their rock. Then they turn into a vengeful mafia protection racket. “Sveinn, it would be most unfortunate if something bad were to happen to that shiny new front end loader you just bought on credit.” (I’m imagining elves sounding like Fat Tony from The Simpsons only with a heavy Nordic accent.)

Do the elves ever consider just making a phone call? “Hey, can someone unbury my rock please?” Nope. Their first responses are extortion and sabotage. Elves seem like a bunch of assholes, but it apparently works for them. This is exactly why America doesn’t negotiate with terrorists.

Maybe the elves don’t really care about the rock and they’re just generally disappointed that their country’s greatest cultural achievements are unpronouncable volcanoesrotted shark meat and Björk.

James Lanka

Science fiction nerd, writer, blogger, music lover, artist, native of the east coast.

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