Phantom Sway

I Don’t Mean to Alarm You, But America is Being Overrun by Horny Alligators

Sure, you’re saying to yourself, “But I don’t live in Florida. I’ve got nothing to worry about.” You’re wrong.

Don’t let your kids outside.

Don’t let your pets outside.

Don’t go outside.

Don’t even go on the porch.

Don’t drive anywhere in your car either.

Sure, you’re saying to yourself, “But I don’t live in Florida. I’ve got nothing to worry about.”

That’s probably what this South Carolina family thought before they got a visit from the ginormous Easter Gator. He didn’t bring any chocolate eggs either. Only terror.

Alligator climbs to a second-story Mount Pleasant porch, through a screen door and then refuses to leave

Well in his defense that looks like a really nice porch.

Susie Polston had fallen asleep watching “Friends” on television. She woke in the late night to a loud intruder on the porch outside her Mount Pleasant home.

“Somebody’s trying to break into the house,” she told her family. They secluded themselves in the master bedroom and called 911. But then the racket quit. Ben Polston, 16, her son, snuck a look and started yelling, “Oh my God, I found it! I found it!”

He’d found it all right. In the early hours of Easter, a nearly 10-foot alligator had clambered up the back stairwell to the second story porch of their home, crunched through the aluminum screen door and made itself at home between the sofa and a swinging bench. It lay there like a plastic prank, but when they rapped on the window glass, it lifted its head

“It was just surreal. It was so bizarre,” Susie Polston said.

Be afraid.

“Experts” tell us that this is all because it’s alligator mating season. What they don’t tell us is why an alligator would be seeking a mate in places where the presence of an alligator is shockingly rare. Maybe they should try somewhere like, say, a SWAMP.

How are there so many alligators if they’re this incompetent? I mean, the pandas are watching this and making fun of the reptiles for having no game.

Phantom Jim

Jim is a science fiction nerd, writer, blogger, music lover, artist, graphic designer, native of the east coast, and graduate of Virginia Tech.