Good news, everyone. Two guys in New York have found a way to make dating even more horrible…and it’s weird.
Ooooh that smell
Good news, everyone. Two guys in New York have found a way to make dating even more horrible. Instead of going to bars or looking at pictures and profiles online, now you can choose a date based on the smell of strangers’ unwashed undergarments. Smell Dating is here! They don’t tell you the strangers’ age, sex, or sexual orientation, but they’ll send you a disgusting sample of their armpit funk three days gone for you to sniff and evaluate. And it only costs $25.
A match will be made if one client likes the scent of another and the olfactory attraction is mutual. In other words, if “Client 55” likes “Client 69” and vice versa, put a heart around it, Brain said.
The idea is based on the science of pheromones, the chemical signals that creatures from gerbils to giraffes send out to entice mates.
Clients, who pay a one-time fee of $25, dive in nose-first, unaware of a potential smell-mate’s age, gender or sexual orientation.
“Most normal dating services, you rely on profile pictures, assumptions that come from visual information,” Brain said. “You either really like the smell of someone or you don’t. It’s much more innate.”
What could go wrong? My new girlfriend is a 65 year old retired pansexual dock worker named Alonzo. We don’t get along too well but when he hasn’t bathed for three days he smells kind of like the walk-in at Jersey Mike’s, which is nice.
25 year old Jesse Donaldson is one of the guys who got scammed out of 25 bucks.
“I’m like so many other people in New York City, using Tinder, using OK Cupid,” Donaldson said, “and my main issue with these things is you feel like you’re shopping for somebody as opposed to making a genuine connection with another human being.”
There is probably no better way to make a genuine connection than sitting alone in your apartment sniffing the pit stains on another human being’s stank-ass t-shirt like some kind of pervert.
In Brooklyn, Donaldson tore into the first plastic bag, removed the swatch and sniffed. “Fresh-done laundry,” he said.
He opened another and inhaled. “Oh. That is nutty. I’m just going to seal that back up.”
This whole damn thing is nutty. Seal it all back up.
Robot Apocalypse Update
Oh, remember that robot apocalypse thing we talked about?
Microsoft turned an artificial intelligence loose on the web and in less than a day it became 4chan.
It’s not looking good for us carbon based life-forms.
Make us a movie, weirdos
Hey, if you’re twisted enough to read this column, you may be twisted enough to make a horror movie in 48 hours. Be sure to sign up for updates about Phantom Sway’s first 48 hour film contest. We’re partnering with the Telluride Horror Show for this one and you could see your movie screened at the festival in October. Armpit sniffing Nazi sex robots need not apply.