Phantom Sway

No, I don’t want to buy your f***ing essential oils

No, seriously…please f*** off

*posted anonymously so as to avoid the Essential Oils mafia hit squad

I don’t want to join your stupid fucking multi-level marketing racket and I don’t want to buy…whatever! I don’t want one more frigging invitation to one more “mom’s night out” that is just an excuse to sell me more shit.

Have you looked around our suburb lately? We’re swimming in STUFF. We’re drowning in it! You have one kid and a 7 passenger mini-van because you have so much shit to drag around every day.


Turn-Back-the-Clock-with-These-5-Essential-Oils-for-Anti-AgingDesigner reusable bags? I don’t need one more fucking bag. Seriously. Do you know how many conferences my husband attends each year? Probably as many as yours. I have an entire cupboard in my home that is nothing but canvas bags and backpacks that he brings home from the booth swag. No, I do not want to buy a patterned version of the 600 bags I already have while fruitlessly trying to gnaw through your gluten-free, sugar-free, everything-free banana-nut-kale crackers.

You can keep your miracle, fountain of youth, wrinkle destroying face creams. This is my face. All day every day. Deal with it. Call me when you find a cream that makes my husband wipe up his beard trimmings from the sink and makes my kids get along 24/ 7.

But the worst is you essential oils gals…you’re really freaking me out. You’re not just selling me something that smells nice. You’re trying to sell me health and claiming you have some medical expertise to back that up. If essential oils were as effective as you swear they are doctors would be prescribing them. And don’t’ tell me that they won’t because they’re “traditionalists” when it comes to medicine. I’ll take the millennia old traditions that have cured polio, smallpox and diaper rashes over your self-proclaimed medical expertise any day of the week and twice on Sunday.

I know you just opened your mouth to form the words “Big Pharma” but let me save you the trouble.

Shut the fuck up.

hertzfeldtBig Pharma is like any other “Big” business – they want to make money. It doesn’t pay to kill off your consumers. You don’t think Big Pharma would take a piece of EOs of it were viable? They don’t because they CAN’T. Because they are held accountable by law and by morality for the people they might harm with bad drugs and bad science.

Last year I suddenly began to suffer severe pain in my right eye, which I at first assumed was pink eye or something similar. I made the mistake of complaining about it on FB and soon no less than four women were insisting I use essential oils to clear it up. I politely declined but received four messages in my inbox – “I have samples! You could fix this in a jiffy!”…No thank you. More comments on the thread – “you could fix this without a doctor’s visit if you just let me bring you some EO’s!”


Essential-Oils-for-Allergies1-1When I went to the eye doctor it turned out to be a ruptured iris. Very serious. When I told her my friends were trying to convince me to use essential oils she shook her head and told me I’d probably be blind had I taken their advice.

It’s not that I don’t think EOs aren’t good for some things. I have a friend who uses them in a diffuser to help with migraines. Scent is proven to affect some conditions. I get it. Or maybe they even have a sort of placebo effect and if it helps you feel better, is it so bad?

I don’t really care what you choose to buy or not. My problem is that you won’t stop trying to make me buy it. I don’t want a $75 dollar bottle of EO for headaches. Tylenol is $5 and works fine and I’ve literally never once complained about the price or effectiveness of Tylenol. Yet if I make the mistake of mentioning a headache in your presence I am immediately deluged with sales pitches.

One of you tried to tell me that I could have prevented an abscess in my tooth with EOs. Excuse me but how the fuck do you prove a negative? How in hell can you prove EOs prevents anything? Especially a cracked tooth that leads to an infection that leads to a root canal?

Just please fucking stop!

I’ve declined politely. Not good enough. I’ve been rude. Not good enough. I’ve been angry. One friend stopped, the others kept going.

How are any of you making money off of this? As far as I can see approximately 98% of the women on my street alone are selling essential oils. Who are you selling to??

Please, for the love of Jenny McCarthy, if I’m having a casual conversation and express my frustration about my kids’ summer cold, don’t take it as an invitation to FUCKING SELL ME OVERPRICED OIL. Just listen and nod and maybe ask if I need anything at most. Otherwise chill the fuck out!

I don’t want your fucking essential oils.

The first EO “party” I went to the “hostess” was explaining all the ways she’d used essential oils to heal her family. Her son had a raging fever, her daughter had a sore throat, the flu, an infection…story after story after story about her family being sick and healing through essential oils. She even claimed she calmed a tantrum by putting essential oils on her kid’s foot. I’ll admit, at first I was interested. I love an excuse to avoid the doctor. But as she continued on for 45 minutes I started to realize something – her kids are always sick. The amount of sickness she described running through her house in one year was roughly equivalent to what my kids have experienced in 14 years of parenting. “Traditional medicine” seems to work just fine!


And the tantrum thing? What? Lady, I have a $2 wooden spoon that would work 100 times as fast as a $100 of your dumb oil. Plus, if you do it right you’ll rarely have to apply it again.

I don’t want your damn essential oils and I don’t know how else to say it.

I’m sorry you’re bored or broke or just want to feel like you’re doing something important. It’s not my problem. I resent you souring our friendship because you think you have to fucking sell me on something every time I sneeze.

Just fucking stop. I don’t want it. I don’t want any of it. I’ve tried to be polite and diplomatic and understanding. I’ve even supported you, gone to your parties, shared your invitations.

I’ve had enough. Multi-level marketing is a scourge and it’s destroying perfectly lovely relationships because too many women suddenly think they’re physicians because they read a damn WordPress blog.

Sell your bags and your oils. Have a great time. I don’t fucking care. Just leave me out of it. I’ve had enough. I’m not a cash register. I’m your friend.

Phantom Sway


  • A-fucking-men! And that goes double for all the damned MLM crap like Lia Sophia, Shithead Candles, Pampered Chef, Amway and all the other fucking scams.

  • Preach it! I hear whiskey calms the rage and eventually makes you forget your self-righteous oil selling, Amway wannabe acquaintances.

Please Support Our Latest Film Project

Harriet Tubman is one of America’s most beloved historical figures but has sadly been largely relegated to just a few facts during Black History Month. This incredible ex-slave, spy, cook, nurse, public speaker and rescuer deserves a story worthy of her stature.

“Minty” – tentatively titled after Tubman’s nickname – is a “reimagining” of Harriet Tubman as an action hero. It is a period piece with a modern flare.

%d bloggers like this: