Phantom Sway

Romancing The Drones: Dating in the Conspiracy Age

Shockingly, persons who refer to others as “sheeple” have a hard time making a love connection.

conspiracydateAre you convinced 9/11 was an inside job? Do you think The Matrix and/or The X-Files were real? Ar you certain that the Illuminati/Jews/Rosicrucians/aliens control your money and government? Are you dismayed that dates flee from the table before you order the entree despite your enlightened views? Then you need Awake Dating, the dating site for people with Paranoid Personality Disorder!

Shockingly, persons who refer to others as “sheeple” have a hard time making a love connection. They just want someone to hold hands with while staring into the sunset, fretting over chemtrails. They want someone to whisper in their ear during the heat of lovemaking “The CIA is behind school shootings.”

That Infowars has not already spearheaded this lucrative concept is clearly the fault of the Bilderbergers, but fear not! Now you too can Netflix [UFO documentaries] and chill [stay up until 4AM talking about walk-ins] with like-minded mentally ill persons like yourself.

All we needed as a society was a site that actively encourages procreation between people who cannot enjoy the simple majesty of life because they are feverishly decoding Masonic doctrine in Egyptian hieroglyphics/the Magna Carta/Beatles lyrics. Imagine an entire generation of unvaccinated children refusing corrective dentistry because “that’s where they put the listening devices”.

Eh, I’m not worried. It’s probably just a false flag data mining site for the NSA, anyhow.

Kellie Jane Adan

KJ Adan is a writer in Los Angeles. She likes cats and tea length party dresses and Jesus and hugs and coffee and music. Turn offs include sensible mid priced sedans, monkeys, and Tom Cruise.

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