Phantom Sway

Sorry Bey, but You ARE Just an Average Bitch

When it comes to ‘ride or die’ bitches you’re about as basic as a potato salad at a cookout

One day as I sat in my second-floor office in my beautiful home that stood directly across the street from an elementary school in the not-so-beautiful hood I overheard a couple of young mothers talking loudly from the street below. I wasn’t trying to hear what they were saying. I could tell that their conversation was nonsense from the tone, but they wanted to be that loud at 8 in the morning so I (unfortunately) heard every word. Here’s the recap (language warning; don’t blame me, I’m only reporting what I heard).

Chick 1: So this bitch told me “Yo man ate my pussy last weekend and he comin over to fuck me this weekend”.

Chick 2: Nuh-uh. I would have dropped that bitch.

Chick 1: I told her, “Bitch…I don’t care. You just a side chick. When he done with you he comes home to me because that’s where he lives. With me! He will NEVER be yo man, so see if I care if you pick up my sloppy seconds.”

True story. I wish I was making it up. When I shouted out my window for them to please take that language somewhere else, this is a neighborhood the very classy response was a predictable:

“Fuck you, bitch!”

Anywhooooo….this brings me to Beyonce because this week she dropped her “visual album” which is already being hailed as a stroke of genius both for its production and the fact that she used it to publicly call out her cheating husband. One line in one song in particular caught my eye:

“You ain’t married to no average bitch boy. You can watch my fat ass twist boy. As I bounce to the next dick boy…”

When I saw that I immediately thought of those two women. I thought about how many conversations I’ve heard like that.  It seems like too many of us are just happy to have a man in our bed so we’ll settle for being treated like garbage. Chick 1’s bar was set at “he comes home to me at night” even though the home was probably paid for by her and he probably used her car to meet the side chick in the first place. That’s a pretty friggin’ low bar.

Beyonce claims she’s no “average bitch”…

….but I’m sorry Bey, much as I love your business acumen and your work in this case you seem like a pretty average bitch to me. You don’t sound much different from those two chicks outside my window that morning.

You are a multi-talented performer and a stellar business woman but as far as average “ride or die” bitches go you are about as basic as potato salad at a cookout…because that’s what average bitches do. They don’t hold their man accountable in any significant way. Sorry, putting the man you continue to let cheat on you (and maybe even beat on you according to some reports) on public blast is not accountability. It’s whining. An average bitch doesn’t have enough respect for herself to walk away and refuse to be treated that way by a man who stood before God to swear his eternal faithfulness.


I mean, let’s be real. We’re not talking about just one “Becky with the good hair.” It’s not just Rachel Roy (NOT RAY! PLEASE LEAVE OUR LADY OF 30-MINUTE-MEALS ALONE!). It’s reportedly Rihanna and Rita Ora and maybe a few other young proteges over the years. Or are we to believe Solange beat his ass in an elevator because he re-gifted the juicer she gave him for Christmas?

An average bitch makes her personal drama in her marriage public, for all her children’s future friends to see and judge over the coming years. An average bitch puts the side bitch on blast while her husband sits back and smugly gloats about these two very basic bitches fighting over a man who has disrespected both.

An average bitch thinks “he comes home to me at night” is some moral victory. An average bitch is just happy to have a man in her bed – whether he’s a CEO or an unemployed scrub who sells bootleg DVDs on the side. She overlooks how he humiliates her, disrespects her. She saves her real scorn for the broken woman who is also just a basic bitch trying to get hers the way you are trying to get yours.

An average bitch just stays and stays and stays and lets her man treat her like every other basic bitch in his life – a prop to help him have the things he wants.

Your husband is a serial cheater. If he were a man of any real repentance he’d have followed up the release with a statement of his own, admitting what he’s done and begging your forgiveness in front of everyone. As a wife, wouldn’t that go a long way for you?

But he doesn’t have to and he knows it. You may have all the money and fame and influence a woman could ask for but you’re still just an average bitch who keeps that bar as low as the average bitches on my street because you’re too scared to demand better for yourself, or you don’t know how. It’s not surprising considering the example you were given. Your father is a notorious philanderer and your mother tolerated it for years. How can we expect you to be any different if you’ve never seen anything else modeled?

You’re anything but average when it comes to your career and your talent. But I can’t let the young black women I know and love think that what you represent is “empowerment.” I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this…but you actually are an average bitch.

You and the Beckys are all tied up in knots over the same guy…sounds pretty average to me.




Kira Allen

When Kira isn't scaling the peaks of some of the toughest mountains in the world or exploring the Amazon rainforests she spends her time as a foster mom for her local animal shelter. Kira has volunteered for "Doctors without Borders" even though she isn't even a doctor or a nurse. Her mantra is "More speed, more height, more life..."
Just kidding....Kira is a writer, actor and suburban housewife and mother. Her mantra is "If I can't do it from the couch, is it really worth it?"


  • Do you think that a lot of women act average due to some kind of early childhood trauma? Not necessarily sexual, but a trauma that has shattered their sense of self-worth? Like a parent dying or leaving? Incarcerated? I’ve been reading up a lot on the epidemic of early childhood sexual trauma, not just in our communities, but every other. And besides there being a link between that and higher incarceration rates, there’s also the link to being in abusive relationships. Could it be that these women are broken? Like so many men? I mean, a man who is treating women like that must not feel that great about himself either– (if that is indeed the case. My son told me he read somewhere that the album was about her parents, but maybe I’m just being naive!) But I also wouldn’t put it past the couple to be engaging in some brilliant marketing.
    But in terms of trauma, she and Jay -Z are prime candidates (like so many of us out here due to how things are, shit is real!) Jay- Z is from the projects in New York, that means he’s seen some shit. (I’m from Brooklyn, I grew up there and I’m saying for a lot of folks in certain places in Brooklyn, it felt like war). Bey is from a pretty middle-class Texan family with Louisiana roots. Just the impact of slavery is enough to write a book about. I think as a community we have to acknowledge that there are many who are hurting and need healing. I hope this makes sense!
    Good article, by the way. Thank you for writing it.

  • You came down hard but you were not wrong. I find the language degrading but that’s what some call themselves. Don’t know details and don’t need them. Ladies, your value comes from within. No one can disrespect without your permission. Arise from the inside and shine.

  • Love it feel sorry for the average bitch she doesn’t know her worth…..glad I never considered myself to be a average stepping stool…..with all the money and fame you still average dang Beyonce

  • My thoughts exactly. I shared this article on Facebook. Props to you for saying what so many others are afraid to say.

  • BAM!! Kudos to you, Kira!! Yes, She IS an average bitch to have put up with his shit!! She isn’t a woman I would want my daughter to look up to!!

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