I’m invoking the ancient (as of 2013) white girl rite of JUST CAN’T EVEN. And I cannot. I cannot even.
I am not going to write a recap. If you are reading this after you know the finale has aired, you have seen it. You know what happened and what didn’t happen and should have happened. And you have The Rage.
At least we now all have confirmation of what we suspected from the get go: this entire miniseries was a bid for a full order of shows. This was Chris Carter summoning the manipulative powers of a Smoking Man to get XPhiles across the world to cry out in unison “WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?! IT CAN’T END THERE!!!” and flood FOX with tweets and emails and Facebook posts demanding more.
Now FOX will surely have to cough up whatever money and perks and imported coffees and small South American nations Carter, Duchovny, and Anderson demand. Won’t they?
Did we need a full three minutes of Scully maneuvering through traffic?
Did we need a full three minutes plus of the same Mulder/CSM dialogue Carter has crammed into every mythology episode since the show began?
Did we need to pander to both extremes of the political looney toons spectrum?
And did they actually think they could make sense of this hasty morass in the space of an hour?
It’s okay to feel insulted. You were insulted. The actors were insulted. Your mother was insulted. Chris Carter is now your sworn enemy, isn’t he?
And if they order a full 22, you’ll still watch it.
Right now Chris Carter is probably lighting a cigarette and removing half his face. And laughing with abandon.