Phantom Sway

I Can Haz Hangover?: ‘Cat wine’ is now a thing

A Denver company has started marketing “non-alcoholic, catnip based feline snack wines.”

If you were getting worried that you might run out of psychologically unhealthy ways to anthropomorphize your cat, you can rest easy because ‘Cat Wine’ is now an actual thing on which you can spend money.

And then it got weird

5b1e75c74cc97654377c288ec405038bA Denver company has started marketing “non-alcoholic, catnip based feline snack wines.” That this is happening after Colorado legalized recreational marijuana is probably no mere coincidence.

Dude, why don’t cats have their own wine?

Duuuuuuuude, I got an idea.

Apollo Peak sells two varieties of cat wine—Moscato and Pinot Meow. Their website says:


Cat Lovers, rejoice – there’s now a wine for your cat.

Oh, praise Jesus, finally.

Cat quinceaneraBut honestly, if you’re the kind of person who will buy wine for a cat, why you’re drinking alone shouldn’t be that much of a mystery.

The company’s FAQ explains the ingredients to the non-alcoholic cat concoction.

All of our cat wine products have a proprietary blend that includes all-natural organically grown catnip, fresh beets and natural preservatives to help hold the taste and color. We believe in natural ingredients for our particularly classy feline friends.

Unlisted ingredients include loneliness and shame.

But seriously, beets? This isn’t just weird. It’s animal cruelty. If people are feeding their cats beets, it at least explains why cats lick other cats’ butts. It’s to get the beet taste out of their mouths.

Encouraging your cat to drink wine isn’t likely going to have any positive societal effects. It will almost certainly exacerbate already rampant joblessness among the cat population while leading to even more out of wedlock kittens. Steps will have to be taken to prevent over-indulgence and binge drinking because cats really do not need anything that will ramp up their puking frequency.

If you’re a dog person and feeling jealous as you dress your shih tzu in his favorite tweed hunting ensemble, fear not. Apollo Peak is working on a similar product to exploit the repressed resentment you feel about being childless for your canine companion to enjoy! The rumor is it will be made from the finest organic toilet water.



James Lanka

Science fiction nerd, writer, blogger, music lover, artist, native of the east coast.

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