The devil really gets around these days. He’s got at least two television series right now but he’s not satisfied unless he’s making a huge pest of himself.
We Goat to Get Out of This Place
Vanessa Mitchell, 43, of St. Osyth, Essex is trying to sell her haunted house. She obviously does not know a thing about the real estate business. You don’t tell people a house is haunted until after you have deposited their check in the Caymans and changed your identity. Then, if you must tell them something, you speak in a cryptic fashion revealing only enough details to send them looking for microfiche at the local library.
The property, also known as “The Cage”, was formerly a medieval prison and is said to have hosted one of England’s most infamous witch trials, in which eight women were killed.
Despite its chequered past, Vanessa stayed in the house for 11 years but decided to proceed with the sale after CCTV footage revealed the face of a “satanic goat” looming over her son’s cot.
And by “face of a ‘satanic goat'” she clearly means “grainy blur which after a vigorous application of Microsoft Paint resembles a noseless Amy Winehouse” (no less reason to move, mind you).
There are surely some who would argue that “Satanic Goat” is redundant anyway. I’m not sure why.
Well, ok. Maybe they have a point. If not altogether satanic, they are at least very very bad.
She said: “I honestly believe the house is cursed, I have lived there for years but for me seeing a tall dark figure standing between me and my son’s cot was the final straw for me.
“There’s something evil there in there, something demonic, whatever it is that’s keeping the other spirits trapped inside.
Seriously, Vanessa. Boasting about the house’s demonic R-value does not make for a great Zillow listing. Save the bleeding walls and ectoplasmic vortices for the fine print.
Evil spirits are also getting in people’s hair on this side of the pond. Literally.
Beauty Parlor of the Damned
In Memphis, Tennessee, a crime wave has been targeting the hair weave industry. This has some people speculating that there may be a demonic cause.
Because why else would people be stealing expensive things that other people want to buy, right?
First of all, if someone doesn’t open a shop called “Demonic Weaves” then this just isn’t America anymore.
But people are serious about this.
“Whose-ever hair I was wearing on my head, that heifer had a bad omen and that bad omen followed her from India and came on top of my head, and I took on her spirit,” one woman said on YouTube.
Heifers with bad omens will do that to you.
If this idea hasn’t been made into a B-movie horror flick yet, it should be. Beautician and The Beast II: The Weavening.
One woman wrote: “Do you know the history of the hair’s original owner? What type of spirit did that person have? You may be buying a person’s hair and their demonic spirit.”
This woman’s use of the past tense makes me wonder how she thinks the hair gets harvested.
Another woman wrote: “Maybe the reason so many people are doing ungodly things has a lot to do with the fact that many of the purchases are made in other countries that worship false gods.”
Like, say, greed or vanity maybe?
We’re going to need an old priest and a young priest…and Mr. Ray.
(Just a little DC/Baltimore metro nostalgia there.)
It would be very easy to dismiss all this talk of demon possessed hair as fantasy or delusion, but…