Phantom Sway

Drone Fishing? You’re Going to Need a Bigger Boat…And Some Self Respect

You candyass.

I started out in the “real world” as a mechanical engineer, so I can get excited about high tech gadgetry. I also love to fish and toyed for a while with the idea of being a marine biologist, so this video about an underwater “fishing drone” definitely caught my eye.

This is a really cool piece of technology. It even pairs with your iPhone or iPad to let you control and see through the camera. I would love to spend some time out on the ocean or a lake driving this little ROV around and exploring the depths. Everyone who fishes has one of those spots where they would love to see what’s really down there. There’s a clip in the video of a guy using virtual reality goggles to see from the drone’s point of view.

This is an amazing machine that I probably can’t afford but I can definitely drool over. It would be fun to use just for the sake of exploration and if you learned something about your fishing grounds that would be cool too. The video almost had me hooked (no pun intended).

Then they pulled some of the most weak-ass bullshit I’ve ever seen.

The designers actually put a feature on this thing that lets you drive your bait right up to a fish and drop it right on its head. I guess the drone’s hull couldn’t be hardened against the shockwave to make carrying dynamite feasible but why not just equip it with an electrical stunner and a spear gun? Why bother with a hook and line at all? It probably wouldn’t be too much harder to program the drone to filet the fish right there in the water before sautéing it in butter and white wine.

The star of the video—some millennial douchebag with beard stubble carefully trimmed to simulate rugged manliness—actually uses this cheater feature to catch and get way too excited about a really weenie little fish. After battling that leviathan he probably can’t wait to sip apple-tinis on the lido deck eating cucumber sandwiches while showing off the scars from his pec implant surgery.

Flying to Phuket and chartering a 40 foot fishing boat didn’t sufficiently even the odds between you and the extra from Finding Nemo?

Listen, Captain Quint, why don’t you do angling and Y chromosomes a favor and just go back to finding your fish at expensive sushi bars. You’re going to need a bigger boat…and some self respect.

Oh, and testicles.



James Lanka

Science fiction nerd, writer, blogger, music lover, artist, native of the east coast.

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