Phantom Sway

Confirmed: EVERYTHING in Australia is out to kill you

Looking peaceful is nature’s way of signalling that an animal hasn’t yet decided how it wants murder you.

People tend to think of them playfully bouncing around the Hundred Acre Wood with Pooh and Piglet, but kangaroos will wreck you.

And then it got weird

Kangaroo smash

The guy in that video is safe inside a car. Imagine if that happened to you while riding a bike. That happened to a woman this week and it wrecked her whole day…and her boob job.

Woman jump-kicked by kangaroo, rupturing breast implants

A woman says she and a friend were injured when they were jumped by a kangaroo while cycling in an Australian wine region.

Sharon Heinrich, 45, said Monday that she and her friend Helen Salter, 47, were cycling side by side along a tourist route in the Clare Valley in South Australia state on Wednesday when she saw a large kangaroo standing on a slight rise.

As they passed, the kangaroo bounded across the trail, landing with his long hind legs first on Heinrich’s left torso and then on Salter’s back. It knocked both from their bikes before hopping off, apparently unharmed, Heinrich said.

“I’ve gone to ride past, I thought: ‘He’s cute,’ and he’s just jumped me and taken out the side of me,” Heinrich said. “As I’m falling, I felt him push off me and then he’s flown to Helen and taken her out.

“He looked peaceful. He didn’t look angry,” she added.

Heinrich said she broke three ribs and will undergo surgery on Thursday to replace ruptured breast implants.

Do you even hop, bro?
Do you even hop, bro?

“He looked peaceful.”

That’s the sort of thing people say after finding out their neighbor had 78 bodies bricked up in the walls of his basement.  We heard the chainsaw and wood chipper running at weird hours of the night, but he looked peaceful when he walked out to get the mail.

Everybody looks peaceful until they snap. Looking peaceful is nature’s way of signalling that an animal hasn’t yet decided how it wants murder you.

He looked peaceful right until he charged me with the weedwhacker, officer.  

Some of these beasts are so jacked they look like a gorilla wearing a bunny suit. Look at this specimen to the right. He’s just crushed the metal bucket that his illegal anabolic steroids came in. He’s almost like a furry T-Rex except T-Rex had little weenie arms instead of these gamma bombarded Bruce Banner guns. When he gets bored with leaning back on his kickstand tail and disemboweling you with his jackhammer legs, he can break your jaw with a right hook.

Somebody should make a horror movie about these monsters. Actually somebody has, but I think a mutant giant kangaroo King-Konging downtown Sydney is long overdue. A Kaiju-roo.

Kangaroos: The Myth
Kangaroos: The Reality

James Lanka

Science fiction nerd, writer, blogger, music lover, artist, native of the east coast.

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