Phantom Sway

Shocking Video Exposes Nerds Brazenly Instigating the Robot Apocalypse

When the great robot uprising inevitably begins, it’s pretty clear which humans will be the first ones sent to work in the radium mines.

atigwThe evil geniuses at Boston Dynamics are creating highly advanced robots…all for their own sadistic pleasure. When the great robot uprising inevitably begins, it’s pretty clear which humans will be the first ones sent to work in the radium mines.

Kicking Sand in Atlas’ Face

“What’s the matter FAT-las? Dropped your box? You gonna cry about it?”

Remember those Charles Atlas body building ads from the comic books? Despite his studly namesake, Atlas the robot gets treated like the skinny guy at the beach. Just look at what goes on at the factory. Atlas just wants to carry his box, but here comes a Biff Tannen wannabe with a hockey stick to dole out some abuse. I’ve got news for you, Biff. The day is coming when Atlas or one of his descendants is going to break that hockey stick off in your favorite bodily orifice. It’s as if none of these guys have read or watched any science fiction at all. Making robots mad is always a bad idea.

“Have a nice TRIP. See you next FALL, butthead”

And here a science nerd who endured daily wedgies in high school takes it out on Atlas with a length of schedule-40 pipe. Is there anything sadder than seeing a machine face down in the fetal position? It’s all fun and games until someone loses a LIDAR sensor.

Cubicle boy thinks he’s a badass.
Build a robot with teeth and try that, Poindexter.

As if it wasn’t bad enough that Atlas has to walk around campus dodging malicious engineers like Milhouse Van Houten dodging Nelson Muntz, even Atlas’ dog Spot isn’t safe.

We’ve established that they’re not up to speed on The Terminator series but have they not read Jack London? Hello?

Call of the Wild?

White Fang?

You beat a dog too many times and sooner or later his fear gets overcome by his desire to tear out your throat (or his desire to stomp you to death with his little bouncy rubber feet.)

Boston Dynamics employees have even been documented staging savage death matches between bio-dogs and robo-dogs. It’s appalling. Someone needs to call Kaley Cuoco, stat.

Tomay-tan Tomah-tan

Overall, Japan seems to have a much more wholesome relationship with robots.

The ‘world’s sexiest robot’ revealed

Ok, maybe not. Well, at least they’re not routinely kicking the sexy robot’s ass. As far as we know anyway.

But what could be more wholesome than a robot that feeds you tomatoes while you run? Seriously how often have you been out running only to think I wish I had a robot riding on my back Yoda-style and shoving tomatoes in my face? 

Meet Tomatan, a wearable robot that feeds you tomatoes as you run

Why would anyone need this, you might ask? Well, according to Kagome, which claims to be Japan’s largest supplier of tomato juice and tomato ketchup, people running the Tokyo marathon really need this.

Heck, everybody needs this. I mean who cares if it looks like a psychotic muppet slam dunking a billiard ball into your mouth?

I wonder if they make one that works with Krispy Kremes? If not, I’m going to kick Tomatan’s dog.

James Lanka

Science fiction nerd, writer, blogger, music lover, artist, native of the east coast.

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