Phantom Sway

Bringing Sexy Back (To The Store. For a Refund.)

How many girls will be asked this Halloween “Dude, are you, like, a pirate nun? That’s so hot.”

Halloween is not just for kids anymore, and we’re okay with that. Once a year we can explore our wildest fantasies by dressing as Left Shark or Chewbacca or, more frequently, Sexy Whatever.

Chad ScreamQueens

We are not here to judge the proliferation of sexy costumage. At what other time can a culture made up of sweat pants and performance fleece flex its seductive chops? Nay, we shall not judge thy fishnet thighs and bustiers.

But we shall judge costume designers’ proffered “sexy” items.

[quote style=”boxed” float=”right”]“I saw a girl dressed last year as slutty Al-Quaeda.” –Chad Radwell, Scream Queens[/quote]

Oh, how we all laughed at the verbal antics of archetypical uberfrat guy Chad Radwell. How ridiculous, we all tittered during the ads, is a Sexy Al-Quaeda costume for Whore-O-Ween? Possibly no more ridiculous than this:

Sexy Templar Knight Costume
Sexy Templar Knight Costume

Some marketing and design genius with a raging boner for history and conspiracy theories must have dreamed this up during an absinthe bender. In what world is sexualizing a knight in a Holy War (who possibly harbours the secret of Jesus’ love child or whatever) appropriate for a sorority party? How many girls will be asked this Halloween “Dude, are you, like, a pirate nun? That’s so hot.”

Yet even this is not as absurd as:

Sexy Panda Costume
Sexy Panda Costume

Yes, Sexy Panda, the bear notoriously uninterested in mating. The animal least likely to give it up. The creature so untainted by sensations of lust that God created it in clerical colours. It just screams sex, dontcha think?

Speaking of black and white:

Sexy Referee Costume
Sexy Referee Costume

Because, as we all know, men have the insatiable urge to rub one out every time someone calls pass interference.

But that pales in comparison to another striped monstrosity:

Sexy Cat in the Hat Costume
Sexy Cat in the Hat Costume

I would not, could not, in a cave
Your hat looks like you’re at a rave
I read these books when I was six
They do not make me hunt for dicks!

But this is an abomination!

Sexy Buzz Lightyear Costume
Sexy Buzz Lightyear Costume

For legal purposes, the company doesn’t call this Sexy Buzz Lightyear. But this is Sexy Buzz Lightyear. Everybody knows this. And I’d like to meet the straight man who gets hard every time he sees this character, because he needs to be taken in for questioning.

In the What Were You Thinking department:

Sexy Straight Jacket Costume
Sexy Straight Jacket Costume

Because Sexy Crazy Person isn’t a heaping helping of exploitation of a population already susceptible to sexual assault. Hand us the Prozac!

This may just be a personal bias, but…

Sexy Monkey Costume
Sexy Monkey Costume

Monkeys are not sexy. Monkeys throw their feces and tear off faces. Monkeys are cheeky, not sexy. Peter Tork is not sexy. THERE ARE NO SEXY MONKEYS.

Then there’s the “No way, this has to be satire” costume:

Sexy Pizza Costume
Sexy Pizza Costume

Hey, men like pizza. There’s no bad pizza, and there’s no bad sex, right? So just put the two together and voila! You are now the world’s most powerful Man Attractant.

Except there is mediocre or downright vile pizza that you instantly regret tasting. And then there’s the following absolutely inexplicable costume:

Sexy Trump:

Sexy Trump Costume
Sexy Trump Costume

I literally just can’t with this.

I CAN’T.

Men, some of you like Trump. But do you like Trump this much? When you’re pulling your morning pud and pondering the future of America, does the idea of a female Trump twin take you to wall splatter faster? When you and the wife are climbing into bed for your bimonthly bestraddling, do you secretly envision her with a ginger Guinea pig on her head? Why has God forsaken us? How is this ok?

Who will take care of me now that my brain has broken? I guess I’ll just dress up like Sexy Crazy Person and wait for a rich horny husband to commit me.

Kellie Jane Adan

KJ Adan is a writer in Los Angeles. She likes cats and tea length party dresses and Jesus and hugs and coffee and music. Turn offs include sensible mid priced sedans, monkeys, and Tom Cruise.

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