Phantom Sway

Gwyneth Paltrow Is Just F***ing Nuts

Gwyneth Paltrow must be stopped. She’s become a danger to herself and others.

Enough already. Gwyneth Paltrow must be stopped. She’s become a danger to herself and others.

Phantom Sway has chronicled the weird and bizarre world of Gwyneth Paltrow for a while.

First it was steam cleaning her vajayjay.

Then she was selling dildos that cost more than most people’s cars.

Then again with the vajayjay steaming.


Now Paltrow has apparently started following the work of “scientist” Masaru Emoto who studies whether humans can hurt water’s feelings. Seriously.

“I am fascinated by the growing science behind the energy of consciousness and its effects on matter,” Paltrow wrote in a blog post for her much derided clean living website GOOP.

“I have long had Dr Emoto’s coffee table book on how negativity changes the structure of water, how the molecules behave differently depending on the words or music being expressed around it.”

FACT: All the best science regarding water’s emotional baggage is published in coffee table books.

Handing over the keyboard to friend Dr Habib Sadeghi to explain what on earth she was talking about, he wrote: “Japanese scientist Masaru Emoto performed some of the most fascinating experiments on the effect that words have on energy in the 1990s.

“In his experiments, Emoto poured pure water into vials labelled with negative phrases like ‘I hate you’ or ‘Fear’. After 24 hours, the water was frozen, and no longer crystallised under the microscope: It yielded grey, misshapen clumps instead of beautiful lace-like crystals.

“In contrast, Emoto placed labels that said things like ‘I love you’ or ‘Peace’ on vials of polluted water, and after 24 hours, they produced gleaming, perfectly hexagonal crystals.”

First of all, it goes without saying, but I’m still going to say it—this is obviously complete and utter bullshit. Emoto also has a theory that you can make rice go bad by shouting at it. He should occupy the padded cell next to Gwyneth’s.

For the sake of argument, let’s grant that it’s true. Just for a moment. Gwyneth, how do you suppose water molecules feel about being superheated then blasted into your corroded hooha? Have you thought of that? I didn’t think so.


James Lanka

Science fiction nerd, writer, blogger, music lover, artist, native of the east coast.

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Harriet Tubman is one of America’s most beloved historical figures but has sadly been largely relegated to just a few facts during Black History Month. This incredible ex-slave, spy, cook, nurse, public speaker and rescuer deserves a story worthy of her stature.

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