Phantom Sway

Show Me The Baby!

Dear whithered harpies and catty snarkmeisters of Teh Internets,

You have systematically and relentlessly shamed new moms so hard that they feel weird posting pics of their babies on social media. Your passive aggressive tweets, status updates, and photoshopped memes have silenced a generation of new parents. Bravo, jerks.

“Pshaw!” you angry hipsters scoff, “I see plenty of gross and stupid pictures of womb spawn online. I have not yet begun to fight!” Why yes, Beardy VonPlaid, you have not managed to shame the percentage of new moms and dads who have already blocked your black and whiny heart.

But there remain a vast number of sensitive, compassionate NewMoms and NeoDads who worry that they’re upsetting you and they have agreed to not post pictures of their babies online. Who knows why your wrong opinion matters to them? Maybe they want to seem cool, or maybe they’re afraid they’re single-shaming you, or maybe they saw one too many vague posts that go something like this:

Please. Like I need to see pics of your kid doing literally nothing. It’s a baby, not cappuccino art! EYE. ROLL.

You joyless, shiftless science hater! What aren’t babies doing? Every time someone takes a picture of a baby, they are documenting massive neurological growth! Your blank and cynical eyes see a squashed newborn hot mess wrapped in a hospital towel. Those of us with love in our hearts and a rudimentary understanding of human physiology see actual magic before our very eyes. Yes, all newborns look like Winston Churchill after a particularly harsh bender, but that is because they traveled outside of a freaking person and are at this moment rapidly developing like a Polaroid. You like Polaroids, don’t you, you little hipster shit?

Babies also age faster than Lindsey Lohan in the sun on a family cocaine binge. If you do not document literally every five minutes of a baby’s life, you’re missing, like, 3 Lohan years. It is your duty as a parent to produce the ongoing documentary of your baby’s life. You should even have a confession room like reality TV. “Today, Emily Katniss said her first word. It was ‘daddy’. I am really hurt. I whip my boobs out for her! A speech pathologist will tell you it’s because voiced dentals are easier to learn, but I know they’ve formed an alliance!” Have fun with it. We want to hear your side, too.

You can stop posting pics and vids of your child when they hit that kind of ugly awkward phase, which for this writer was 11-13. Nobody needs to see that, or the moody pics of your teen not smiling at Disneyland. Take those pics, but keep them to yourself for blackmail.

Don’t let subtweeting, vague booking jerkfaces win. That’s how The Handmaid’s Tale started, except Atwood left that part out because the Internet hadn’t been invented yet. SHOW US EVERY PIC YOU HAVE EVER TAKEN OF YOUR BABY AND NEVER STOP. We will Like & Fave all of it. All of it. Now get cracking!

Kellie Jane Adan

KJ Adan is a writer in Los Angeles. She likes cats and tea length party dresses and Jesus and hugs and coffee and music. Turn offs include sensible mid priced sedans, monkeys, and Tom Cruise.